You know them by their signature outfits, drinks, reading, and morals. The essence of “I’m not like the other boys. I actually read and enjoy Jane Austen.” Behold the phenomenon known as the performative male. These men aren’t just wearing bamboo baggy shorts because of fashion; it’s for a completely different statement. Trying to signal to women that they are one of the good ones. It’s akin to a male bird shaking its oddly bright feathers to get a mate. Except this time it’s a dude sitting down outside of a Starbucks, vaguely staring at a book with wired headphones and a sweater that definitely would get your golf club grandfather up and out of his faux leather chair.
People rant and rave about how there is nothing good behind these men, that they are just posing up to get a woman faster. They are just manipulating women with their looks, right? Just performing to pander to girls. But doesn’t that attitude sound familiar?
“I’m not like them. I actually listen to Clairo.”
These grass juice-loving boys aren’t anything new; the performative males of today are the pick me girls of yesterday, just with a shinier coat of paint. From “I actually like Deftones” to “I actually enjoy Clairo,” it’s the pumpkin spice to black coffee pipeline in reverse. Pick me girls mask stereotypical feminine interest to seem different and more appealing to the average man, and performative males shed the traditional masculine interest for more feminine ones for the same reason. Neither are justified nor right in changing hobbies or interests just to get a quick date.
In the case of performative males, this time, women are judging men’s interests. While a little self-deprecating humor is fun and often a good way to connect and have humility, this criticism is often not self-inflicted. Some fun events sprang up, like the “performative male contests,” but there is an air of humiliation in every piece of content. Instead of becoming a dog whistle for other women, this trend was scooped up and used by men and women alike in order to isolate and laugh at whoever fit this mold. And once again, we have another population of people saying, “Well, I’m not like them. I actually…” It’s regressing us.
Performance vs. Sincerity
But what if it’s not an act? This is a valid critique of the scenario that gets overlooked when one immediately condemns every man that just so happens to have more vaguely feminine interests. While it has become a more recent trend for men to adapt women’s preferences performatively, some of these people are not acting at all. These instances don’t have to be the same.
While it may seem odd in the current state of this world with the rising polarization of genders, men do exist who fit this “performative man mold” to a tee. But when society shames individuals who fit this mold and blasts them online in TikToks and reels with the caption “caught in the wild,” they contribute to the gender polarization. It’s no better than men shaming women with more masculine interests. I’m sure at some level, the women reading this can empathize with the frustration of getting questioned and interrogated about an interest from a man who simply “didn’t believe you” because your interests weren’t perfectly in line with their ideal image of a woman— it’s humiliating.
So, when this occurs to the men who genuinely want to understand women, it alienates them, making them revert to a shell of masculinity they finally escaped from. “Don’t judge a book by its cover” is a saying most people learn early in life. However, I present an alternative: Don’t judge a person by their words or appearance but rather by their actions and intentions.
There are definitely men who do use these stereotypes for the wrong reasons. It’s why the trend started in the first place. Originally, women on social media were using the performative male title to point out a trend they had been seeing of manipulative men pretending to be the perfect nice guy just so they could get closer to vulnerable women with manipulative intentions. The reality of those situations is a sad fact, and the purpose of this article isn’t to deny a serious issue that was rightfully brought to light. But where the waters get murky is that, instead of creating this as a cautionary tale for women to look for abusers in sheep’s clothing, it turned into a Salem-style witch hunt for any man who could possibly be feminine. Instead of looking at the actions of the men combined by their shell, it turned into a “spot this type of man” contest.
When Performance Becomes Practice
While adopting feminist aesthetics may at first be a ploy to fit in with women in progressive generations, this knowledge might be learnable. It’s not a 100% chance that every time a piece of literature is bought for show, it’s read and analyzed, not even close. But that chance is still non-zero. And with the outward expression of ideals and teachings being repeated over a large time span, combined with the repeated conversation with others who hold these beliefs at an actual core level, there is an opportunity for these men to pick up the habits they are pretending to have.
After analyzing the qualities of these characters, in and out of the culture surrounding them, it is evident that there are many flaws in using black-and-white thinking to define people who fit the performative man mold. Appearance aside, there are many implications for how someone may be dressing and performing. Some may be expressing genuine personal beliefs, cultural identities, and fashion styles. While others are simply masking their image in order to support an ulterior motive. So what is our solution when reacting to these individuals, and what is the proper way to sniff out fou from the genuine? Conversation and action. Conversing with a person and observing their actions will reveal their true intentions more than speculation ever could. So instead of jumping to or casually leaning towards conclusions, analyze the situation and treat people with the same reverence as you would a person with any other qualities.
When it comes down to it, don’t judge a book by its cover, or a man by his matcha.
