Following months of an increasingly worrisome smell emanating from Davie High’s third-floor bathrooms, student investigators have finally uncovered the source of the stench: former history teacher Zach Wood has been secretly residing inside the walls of the school. Though he claimed to be leaving education in the past as he pursued a career change last January, the crazed teacher has instead allegedly spent his time putting his AP Government lessons into practice as he seeks to establish his own authoritarian microstate.
The bathroom’s persisting mysterious odor, which had initially been written off as part of the school’s all-too-familiar aroma of Axe body spray, teenage angst, and fresh Davie County manure, prompted an in-depth investigation from the Weekly Talon staff. Desperate to uncover the cause of the ripe smell, journalists carefully removed the cover from a vent inside a stall. Much to their horror, they were met by the angered hiss of the school’s resident mustachioed historian.
Though Wood escaped before fulfilling the Talon’s request for a formal interview, students soon discovered that he had left a copy of his empire’s manifesto crumbled inside the ducts. The document, aptly titled “The Wall-State: A Blueprint for Freedom from Freshman Annoyance,” described in detail Wood’s plan for establishing a self-ruled dictatorship entirely within the school’s internal infrastructure. Plans for the authoritarian air-duct empire included the complete reorganization of Davie High’s ventilation system into a tiered bureaucracy, with Wood at the top as “Supreme Chancellor of the Ceiling Tiles.”
Recruitment for the regime, Wood wrote, would be incentivized with a variety of rewards, ranging from guaranteed 5s on the AP Government exam to a much-needed reprieve from freshman tomfoolery. According to the manifesto, all loyal citizens of the empire would also be granted exclusive access to the Wall-State’s bountiful Pop-Tart reserves, allegedly supplied by Wood’s former colleague, science teacher Collin Ferebee. Students have reportedly observed Ferebee, who is well known for his extensive snack expertise, discreetly sliding packages of the substance into vents across the school.
“I have absolutely zero involvement in any authoritarian takeover,” Ferebee insisted, balancing a box of Pop-Tarts in one hand as he stuffed yet another silver package in a nearby hole. “I’m just investigating airflow… for science.”
In response to the apparent rise of Wood’s wall-based regime, administrators moved quickly to close several bathrooms across the school, seal off suspicious vents, and investigate reports of what seems to be the sound of civics lessons echoing through the pipes.
In the meantime, Wood remains at large and in the walls, waiting for an opportunity to expand his empire and achieve his mission of bringing education, Pop-Tarts, and freedom to the masses.
